**This is a work of satire and to you liberals that means it’s just a joke**
Editor’s note – Our Russian “friend” leaked yet another one of Hillary’s emails to us on Friday. This time to her vice president, Tim Kaine. With Hillary as a boss, you almost feel sorry for the guy … Almost.
Dear Tim Kaine,
You better have been paying attention to Monday’s debate and taking notes. Yours is on Tuesday against that human stain Mike Pence. I expect you to deliver as resounding a win as I did against Trump.
However, just to make sure you don’t blow it, I’m going to give you some last minute coaching.
For starters, Mike Pence is clearly smarter than you. It’s not your fault … directly. It’s just that basically everyone in Washington is smarter than you. So don’t get drug into any intellectual debates with Pence, stick to the pre-determined topics and you will do just fine. Say your part and then try to look somewhat intelligent and at the very least likeable.
For the second tip, speak Spanish every chance you get. If a question comes up about the wall or immigration, speak Spanish. If a question comes up about foreign policy, speak Spanish. No one watching will know how dumb you are if you say it in Spanish. Our voters will think it’s impressive.
Now finally, if all else fails, stick to the tried and true tactics of calling him a racist or sexist and bring up some out of context remark that paints the picture we want. Mike Pence will probably be going into the debates thinking it will be honest and straightforward, a natural edge for him, so we need to make sure we don’t play that game.
Now, I have helped to stack the deck in your favor. Once again I have the moderator in my pocket. Elaine Quijano, from CBS, will be moderating the debate solo. She’s from Chicago so you know she’s an ally plus … let’s just say she owes Barack and I more than a couple of favors. If you think Lester Holt went easy on me, just wait until Tuesday.
Unfortunately, I have no doubt that you will probably find a way to screw up royally, so the most important thing to remember is to just act calm about it. Don’t blow up on Mike Pence or the media, just act natural, like you won and we will make sure that the news and the polls say the same thing.
Remember we control the media and we control the debate. Don’t do anything stupid and we’ve already won. But I swear that if you find a way to blow this for me then I will personally end you. Do not disappoint me.